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Historical Archives: The not'd and esteem'd OPINION of founder and sole editor, H. Ulysses Zweibel

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - 8 hours 17 min ago
Ever since THE ONION's luminous founding a quarter century ago'ne, this, the leading papermaking CHRONICKLE of noteworthy happenings in the...
Categories: Satire

Historical Archives: Our Nation's Monthly Leisure Time Ri es To A Staggering Total Of Three Minutes

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - 8 hours 34 min ago
Anew and worry some Trend has arisen in our young Common Wealth. That is, the practice of assuming extended Reprieves from the Industry and Enterprise which makes this Nation one of great Prosperity and Independence. Further more, it is believed...
Categories: Satire

Historical Archives: A Most Amusing Duck Delays The Local Noontime Pillorying

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - 8 hours 51 min ago
In the Port of Boston, the Matter of delivering SWIFT and EXACT Justice to the notorious Candle Pinch Thaddeus SMITH was postponed, owing to the unexpected Appearance of an humorous Downy Duck. In the Moments prior to the Thief SMITH being...
Categories: Satire

Historical Archives: Local Black-Smith is Disappointed By Son's Wishes To Be-Come a Wheel-Wright

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - 9 hours 7 min ago
As a veritable Flood of Waggons continues to stir the Muck of our Thorough Fares, and the Traffick there of makes great Demand for the bespok'd Wheel, many a Lad is being tempt'd from the honest Heat of the Forge and Anvil to the licentious Cool...
Categories: Satire

Historical Archives: Citizens Are Now Free to Practise Any Form Of Proestantism They Want

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 6, 2008 - 04:50
In their infinite Wisdom and Compassion, the Founders of our Young Republic have seen fit to bestow upon we Americans, the Wise and Enlightened Sons of the Re-Formation, the Religious Freedom to practise with out re-percussion, any of the number...
Categories: Satire

Historical Archives: New York Threatened By O'er-Crowding As Population Climbs To Twelve Thousands

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 6, 2008 - 04:33
A great Worrye gripps the Metropolis of New Yorke, fmrly, New Amsterdam, from which we should all take cautionary Instrucktion, that we might stop this dangerous Trend, before Disaster and Catastrophe be-fall us. I speak of the Danger of...
Categories: Satire

Historical Archives: "Urban Sprawling" So Severe, Settlement's Cooking-Fires Can Be Seen From As Far As Greenwich Village

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 6, 2008 - 04:16
According to reports from those living out side the boundaries of the great Metropolis, in the far-off Village of Greenwich, the expansion of New York City has accelerat'd to such a great Extent that one has merely to climb a nearby Tree-top, to...
Categories: Satire

Historical Archives: Only Thirteen Thousand Acres Of Forest Remaining On Manhattan Island

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 6, 2008 - 04:00
Some have propos'd a radickal and, some may even saye, DRASTICK measure, of securing a parcel of "greens-space," designated as "off-of-Limits" to additional development, as a sort of "Centralized Park," and that lands in the City's middle part,...
Categories: Satire

[audio] Community Leaders Outraged Over Porn Video

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 5, 2008 - 05:00
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Categories: Satire

[audio] Unknown Gunman In Hardee's Parking Lot On Verge Of International Fame

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 5, 2008 - 05:00
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Categories: Satire

Local Woman Devotes Life To Doing God's Busy Work

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 4, 2008 - 13:00
LORETTO, MN—"The Lord hath spoken to me, and He hath said, 'The lightbulb in the rectory needs changing,'" 46-year-old church parishioner Betty Salas said.
Categories: Satire

[audio] Hard Times Hit Springsteenville

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 4, 2008 - 05:00
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Categories: Satire

Historical Archives: Is Our Nation Ready For A Negro Citizen?

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 3, 2008 - 23:53
GENTLE MEN: I wish to address the most Brow furrowing Subject of the dusky African, and his Place in our fledgling Union. Scores benefit from the...
Categories: Satire

Election Blog: I'm Sitting On A Pretty Big Story

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 3, 2008 - 18:58
The info we got on the whole Palin e-mail thing is just the tip...
Categories: Satire

Election Blog: We Must Lower Age-Of-Consent Laws

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 3, 2008 - 17:12
Ladies and Gentlemen, I come before you today to write about an issue that is very close to my heart: the
Categories: Satire

Police: iPhone Left In Hot Car For Three Hours

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 3, 2008 - 15:00
WINNETKA, IL—The iPhone was found lying face down on the dashboard showing no signs of life, but after a tense few seconds, officers were able to wake it.
Categories: Satire

Bush Calls In National Marching Band To Lift U.S. Spirits

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 3, 2008 - 14:00
WASHINGTON—President Bush called the Coalition of Instrumentalists and Minstrels, more commonly known as the national marching band, to...
Categories: Satire

Election Blog: Begging Your Pardon, Chaps, No Blog Today

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 3, 2008 - 12:37
I've gone and eaten me very last piece of paper to stop the rumblings in me gullet, so I'm afraid I've nothin' what to write about the economic...
Categories: Satire

Phish To Reunite

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 3, 2008 - 11:00
Four years after disbanding, the Vermont jam band Phish has announced plans to reunite in March 2009, starting with three performances in Virginia....
Categories: Satire

[audio] Bush Goes Blonde For Remainder Of Presidency

The Onion (NB: Satire, not the news!) - October 3, 2008 - 05:00
Onion Radio News - with Doyle Redland
Categories: Satire
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